Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
