I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Dear god my vagina.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
