Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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