So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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