My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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