I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
