The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
