I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
