I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
