i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
