Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
