my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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