im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
