Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
