she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
