Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
