Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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