I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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