The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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