Dude my mom stole all your condoms
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize