Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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