I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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