I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Randomize
