Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Someone shattered a urinal.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
