I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize