Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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