I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Randomize
