the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
