the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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