wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
