What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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