I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
