i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
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