Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(207): View more from Maine

Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer

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(330): View more from Ohio

Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy

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(214): View more from Texas

Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Come get me, I'm fucking scared.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.

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