I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
