when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
