Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
so much tequila, so little girl.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
