I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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