put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
