we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
where are my eyebrows?
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