I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
