i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
