Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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