There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
