I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize