Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
