i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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