1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
