i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
