Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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