Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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