I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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