btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
