I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize