apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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